Bootcamp For Your Mind

Help me find a serious relationship

Help me find a serious relationship

Dear Amy -

I am ready for a serious relationship, but every guy I meet seems to be very against that whole idea.  I hate to think that male stereotype is true, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s even possible to find someone who wants the same kind of relationship I do.  Is he out there?  What should I do?

Thanks for writing!

The operative words here are “Every guy you meet.” There are a lot more guys in the world then the ones that you meet?  Be careful not to create generalizations about groups of people based on very small numbers.  For example, how many men are you actually meeting?  How many are you actually going on a date with?  1 per week, 2 per week?  And where did you meet them?  Did you find out prior to dating them if they were interested in a serious relationship?  The point is, there are plenty of men out there who want a serious relationship. 

I have two bits of advice for you.

1.  Shop in the right department store.  If you want to meet available men looking for relationships then find out prior to dating whether that is something they are interested in. Online dating has become the “rage” and their profiles usually let you know exactly what they are looking for.  That should at least put you in the right area to find what you are looking for.

2.  Get Some Feedback.  Once you are sure you are in the right department store, then, you’ve got to determine if there is a fit.  If you have been shopping in the right department store and there isn’t a fit, time to look inward?  Are your expectations too high or unrealistic?  Are you sure you even know what you want?  Do you take care of yourself and your health?  Are you confident around men – are you able to show your personality or do you hold back?  Are you sabotaging perfect opportunities and don’t know how or why?  Ask your friends, if you respect them. Ask people who are in relationships for their feedback.  Get a coach – maybe you need some assistance in achieving what you want. 

Don’t give up – it’s out there for you.

Visit Amy Applebaum at www.bootcampforyourmind.com

How to get out of a toxic relationship

How to get out of a toxic relationship

We can learn a lot about ourselves, and what stresses us out, by looking at our significant other.  Our partners are often representations of what we do and do not want for ourselves. They are representations of where we are at in our lives.   If we want to be happy and successful, it makes sense that we spend time with people that compliment us.

A toxic relationship can bring on stress that infects every corner of our life.  Yet when it comes to getting out of a bad relationship, way too many of us are all talk, no action!  The first action we must engage in is to take a good hard look at our relationship and decide if it is indeed toxic.  Ask yourself some tough questions about how this person makes you feel.  Are there more bad times than good times?  Can you truly, honestly see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person?  If it is workable, then establish some boundaries and make it work better.  But if the relationship is truly bad, then it is time to move on.  Why?  Because, the people we surround ourselves with are extensions of what we’re going to get out of life.    Ending your toxic relationship means being willing to get rid of those things that sabotage your ability to grow and achieve!   And if you’ve started to think, “I CAN’T leave because I suck and this is the only person who’s ever going to love me” then, you know this is a toxic relationship and it’s time to end it once and for all!

To START a new page in your life you’ve got to STOP a few things first:

STOP justifying everything negative your partner does.
STOP thinking you can change their behavior.
STOP thinking things will get better when you get married and have kids.
STOP talking about moving on and get on with it already!

There’s a big, beautiful world out there, filled with people who will respect you and give you the love you deserve.  And the only thing you need to do to get there is STOP pretending like everything’s OK and take action!  Ending your toxic relationship is like removing a HUGE roadblock that stands between you and a better life!

Visit Amy Applebaum at her site http://www.bootcampforyourmind.com

Suprise, sex is good for you!

Like I’ve been saying to people for years, sex is really, really good for you. You can check out this great article about the health benefits of sex and see why for yourself, but being a life coach, of course I want you to do more than just read…I want to see some action!  Stop making excuses about why you and your mate aren’t hitting the sheets more often. If you’re tight on time, then make the time. If you’re scheduled is packed, then clear some room.  If you’re too tired at the end of the day, get more sleep.  The article spells it out for you:  sex is important, and plays a key part of your mental and physical well-being.  Now get to it!

Read 10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

Visit Amy at her site, Bootcamp For Your Mind

Ask Amy: How do I spice up my sex life?

I don't think my husband is all that attracted to me anymore.  How can I spice up our love life? -   Getting bored in Bethesda

It's time to get nasty girl!   To create some serious spice in your love life, I recommend releasing your inner-Vixen.  Remember, this is no time to be shy! The effort you're making is going to score BIG points with him and really spark his imagination.  Invite your man out on a date.  Plan everything in advance and make it a surprise. 

Here's the plan:  make a trip together to a sassy sex shop.  Just send him an email or leave him a note that he needs to be ready to leave at a certain time.  Let him drive, and direct him along the way.  Really play up the mystery and adventure.  Tell him you aren't wearing any panties – men love fantasy and you'll be making him crazy.  When he discovers your destination, he'll really be worked up into a frenzy.  Tell him to pick out whatever he wants ( in your price range of course), then direct him to a hotel/motel room you've booked - and maybe have even decked out in advance with candles, champagne (whatever you like to drink) and some appetizers.  If this makes you both laugh and get a little silly, all the better!  Just go with it!  It's all part of the fun of exploring so don't worry about being uncomfortable. 

There are plenty of fun variations on this theme. You can take him to dinner and pass him a note that says you are not wearing undies, so that mid-way through dinner, he is going crazy.  Drink some wine and then take him back to your place or a hotel or somewhere you can have some fun. And don't forget your toy!  Remember, FUN and SURPRISE are the keys.  When you let loose, the spice will follow.  Enjoy your evening.

Got a question you'd like to ask Amy? Submit yours here!

So you've found his online porn...

As you’ve probably guessed, I’m the kind of person who believes in confronting problems head on.  I’ve found that the more you let an issue fester, the worse it gets – and as time goes by, the size of the inevitable conflict just gets bigger and bigger.  That’s why I totally loved this article from Divine Caroline!

There’s something we can all learn from this woman – who decided to sit down and have an intelligent, non-confrontational discussion with her boyfriend about a rather, um, uncomfortable issue.

Read on here:  Divine Caroline tackles the online porn dilemma

Click here to visit Amy's site, Bootcamp for your Mind!

Ladies: Have you considered a geek lately?

I tell women all the time that to find a great guy, they need to expand their search parameters.  In this age of billion dollar start-ups and mainstream nerd-culture, it might be time to look beyond Mr. Hunky sitting alone at the bar and instead turn your attention to the guy who’s installing updates to the joint’s server.  I ask you this one question, ladies:  Have you considered a geek lately? 

These aren’t your mother’s geeks mind you.  Today’s nerdy man may actually have it all: sensitivity, thoughtfulness, AND a washboard stomach.  Today’s geeks come with hidden bonus features as well. 

He knows how to hook-up your sweet new BluRay DVD player that’s been sitting in the box since Christmas; He’s not embarrassed to walk your designer pooch with her pink rhinestone-studded leash; He can chat with your Mom about the most influential contemporary authors of the 20^th century; He makes a killer omelet; And thanks to all those hours in the gym (that he will deny, of course), he can do that tricky standing sex position you’ve always wanted to try but were too afraid to because you feared injury. 

Ladies, this is why it’s so important to know what you’re looking for in a man before you actually go out looking for him.  Get serious and specific with yourself and write down all the things your dream man would be.  You’d be surprised at how easy it’ll be to find him once you know that he can be more than just a good-looking hunk of man-meat.  He’s out there, you may just have to look a bit deeper than his vintage mohair cardigan sweater and horn-rimmed glasses. 

For more on the “Nerds of Steel”: http://www.observer.com/2008/nerds-steel

Click here to visit Amy's site, Bootcamp for your Mind!

What the hell is WRONG with you? -- Moment #112: No time for sex?

  I’m sending this week’s WTHIWWY moment out to all the guys and gals who say they love their partner with all their heart and soul, but lately have just been too busy for sex.  Wait, WHAT?  Or more specifically to the point, What the HELL is wrong with you?  Too busy for sex?  What’s next, too busy for pizza, a winning lottery ticket, or anything else that makes life worth living?  Get it together, and start making time for the hottie in your life!  If you’ve got to reserve a night every week for it, fine, just make sure you keep the appointment! Post a nasty note in your iPhone or on the fridge.  Have fun with it.  The more you build up the anticipation, the more exciting the evening will be.   A relationship without sex is like TV with TIVO – it’s still great and everything…but MAN does that TIVO make it better!

Click here to visit Amy's site, Bootcamp for your Mind!

Sorry Sting, you’re just blowing things way out of proportion.

All due respect to the Tantric talents of the ex-Police front man, but new studies indicate that men should worry a lot less about the staying power in the bedroom.  As CNN reports below, you should be able to please your partner and still have time to catch the end of Leno’s monologue.  According to the expert survey, 13 minutes is ideal, everything else is just being dramatic (that’s so Sting).

It’s good to see reports like this because they help us stop stressing about reaching some unattainable ideal (in this case, sex that lasts all night).   The happier we are with ourselves (and our “performance”), the higher our self-esteem – and the more we can achieve.

Read about The 13 minute rule on cnn.com!

Click here to visit Amy's site, Bootcamp for your Mind!

Hey guys, here's what NOT to leave lying around the house!

I've got a message for the fellas out there who are thinking about bringing home that special lady for dinner, drinks and what-have-you: she'll be able to tell the moment she walks in the door whether or not you're serious dating material.  How will she know?  Super-kinetic womanly powers?  Xray vision?  Nah, she'll probably just look around see some items that seem normal to you, but set off warning bells galore for her.

Here are some things she really should NOT see as part of your decor or just plain lying around (and NO, porn is not on this list.  I give you guys enough credit for knowing that!):

• Your high school yearbooks
• A beer bong or other drinking paraphenalia
• No pet (pet=responsibility)
• Pictures of your ex
• Your X-Box Live headset
• Tighty-whiteys
• Collection notices
• That growing single-stack of Domino's boxes in the corner
• Your fraternity paddle
• Beer promotional posters
• Any book with the words "ultimate bathroom reader" in the title

Seriously guys, how your place looks says a lot about you!  Clean neatly kept apartments show everyone that you've got your act together and can be counted on for more important things.

Click here to visit Amy's site, Bootcamp for your Mind!

5 Reasons Why You’re in a Crappy Relationship

I’ve got lots of male friends, and I love hanging out with them.  Love it UNTIL they get themselves tangled up in a relationship that is 100% wrong for them.  These are totally great guys I’m talking about here, who overnight turn into the walking dead.  But why?  How does my best bud with all the prospects in the world end up in relationship with that chick?  I think I’ve got it narrowed down to five possible answers:

1) You're afraid to say what you really think.  Your significant other bashes your friends, your choice of sweaters, your furniture and your dog.  Yet you sit there and take it like a lump.  Speak your mind, man! She’ll either start respecting you or you’re going to split over it.  Either way it’s a big win!    

2) You were trying to please somebody else.  Are you dating someone because your mother always wanted you to end up with a girl who is Jewish/Catholic/Quaker and would make a great Wife/Mother but now she’s just making you miserable/unfulfilled/daydream about jumping the median into on-coming traffic?  Stop trying to please everyone else but yourself!

3) You don't know what you want. Maybe you’ve landed in a bad spot because you don’t even know what you want for yourself.  Try and figure out the qualities you really want in a woman (no, Lara Croft bodies though, please), then go out and find her! (Important:  If you keep notes on this matter, PLEASE don’t leave them lying around where she can find them).

4) You've chosen style over substance.  Your girlfriend looks great, but she’s about as interesting as Fantasy NASCAR and as deep as a puddle.  Go find someone who excites you for all the right reasons.  If you’re in this for the long haul, you need to load up on personality traits that NEVER fade, sag or require surgical enhancements.

5) You are afraid to be alone.  Fear is a tricky thing.  It will keep you from leaving even the worst relationships because you’re afraid nobody else will want you.  But, the more time you spend with someone who’s bad for you, the more your self-esteem goes down the crapper.  Consequently, you stay because you feel like she’s the only game in town.  Trust us here – hit the open market again, and you’ll feel better almost instantly.  And that confidence is the ultimate magnet-du-chick.

Click here to visit Amy's site, Bootcamp for your Mind!